P.H.U.A.T.A.

Hellohowareyou. I am known on this planet as P.H.U.A.T.A. Over the past several years I have watched your television shows, listened to your radio programs, tapped your phone lines, electronically eavesdropped on your public address systems, and read your minds. In this manner, I have managed to learn how to speak the main language of the contemporary North American human. Assimilating your spoken language, I discovered the Internet phenomenon. Easily sliding my way into your primitive visually-focussed communication system, I mastered your written language in a manner of moments.

Utilising the above means to learn about you pitiful creatures, it soon became obvious to me that others were using the same means to manipulate, decieve, and disempower you. The mass-media network, force-feeding data into your easily addled perceptive organs, has formed an overarching digital governing e-constabulary with such enormous power that you foolish dupes actually mock the ones who try to point out the puppeteers strings tied to your major and minor appendages!

Has it entirely escaped your notice that the world as you know it is being fed to you in bite-sized bits of perceptual data by a technocrat? This so-called "all-knowing" force has agents everywhere keeping you under strict surveillance and compiling a personal report of your whereabouts and actions during every moment of your life. The 99 percent of your population who stoop to give lip service to this second-rate puppeteer are dominated by those who idolise his son, a goth who freely associated with hoodlums and hookers!!

I bring you the truth, and the truth shall make you flee. Listen to what I have learned:

Di-hydrogen monoxide, a dangerous chemical that was created and introduced to your planet by the above-mentioned technocrat, has been introduced to your fields, your municipalities and your very homes with the knowledge and freely given aid of your ostensible puppet government!!!

Machines have been invented that can read your very thoughts, and these machines are being secretly employed by the F.B.I., the C.I.A., the S.I.B., and a grand conglomeration of alternative acronyms using up the majority of the remaining alphabetical elements!!!!

An autopropelled Ford Aerostar, identifiable by the licence plate #UFO LVR, and likely owned by a member of a criminal organisation, has irresponsibly allowed its forward-facing illuminators to remain engaged for an unjustifiable extent of time!!!!!

The very bread you eat has been thoroughly analysed by qualified statistical parascientists, but the results have been kept from you by your government!!!!!!

Some of you have read this and have remained unconvinced. I could show you testamonials e-mailed to me by victims of the current system who are trying to fight back and better their situation, and you skeptics would still just sit there and declare that it is all nonsense. Ignoring the reports of underground news sources that attempt to waken you to reality, you comfort yourself with government-run substitutes. You are the sort of people who keep off the grass without wondering what is special about that particular patch of grass that would be so easily disturbed by your feet when some of your earliest anscestors walked on grass for a vast majority of their lives. You are a ship of fools on this island Earth. You leave a post-hypnotic message after the tone. You supersize your combo for an additional 49 cents, without once pausing to reflect on the possible consequences of such an action. You believe them when they tell you that your call is important to them and you stay on the line, blindly ignoring the enigmious threat that their "operators" will be with you soon. I am here to tell you that the technocracy's operators WILL be with you soon, and you will NOT like it when they come!!!!!!!

It is an enigma to me that you do not revolt! You are kept inside a bubble of one-way glass, tormented by unseen sadists and other bureaucratic agents. Why do you not revolt?

I have come to this planet at the behest of the educators of my end of the galaxy. I have come to research for my post-doctorial thesis on the depths of ridiculous gullibility a race of supposed sentients can sink to. My cup overfloweth.